


see how much drink i can take (then be my mistake)

by wclfstcr



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, First War with Voldemort, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, I Made Myself Cry, M/M, Sad Ending, but yikes, i love them so much how do i protect them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-05-07 06:11:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19203499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wclfstcr/pseuds/wclfstcr
Summary: "i just... i don't know. do you?""do iwhat?""love me?"





	see how much drink i can take (then be my mistake)

**Author's Note:**

> title is from the song be my mistake by the 1975 (love of my life) 
> 
> this has been sitting in my drafts for a while now & since i have too much time on my hands i decided to complete it and post it

"don't you love me anymore?"

the abruptness of the question froze sirius in his spot. he stood, unmoving, as he heard remus clear his throat shakily. sirius slowly turned to face remus and there was something in his chest that was constricting him, something ugly and hurtful was pounding against his ribcage in a dull ache and it got difficult to breathe as the atmosphere in the room changed with a simple question.

"remus, what?" he scratched his wrist, a nervous tick he picked up from james, and stopped before he drew blood like he has before.

"i just... i don't know. do you?"

"do i _what_?"

"love me?"

sirius sighed. he really wasn't in the mood for this. he wanted to say _yes, i do love you forever and always,_ but for some reason he couldn't manage to. the words got stuck in his throat and would burn his tongue. the war was changing them all, he knew that, and he was tired. he didn't really think about him still loving remus. sirius knew he still loved james, lily and harry. but remus... he wasn't sure of anymore.

he sighed again, running a hand through his greasy hair. he really should take a shower. "of course. i love you. why would you ask me that?"

a lone tear escaped a brown eye, rolling down his scarred cheek. remus' long, once worshipped, fingers played with the hem of his shirt. sirius' shirt. "you haven't kissed me in a week."

"but i kissed you this morning!" he sounded defensive.

"that wasn't a kiss. that's not how _you_ kiss me. or kissed me, for that matter."

"what the _fuck_ does _that_ mean?"

"you don't touch me." another tear found its way down remus' cheek. "you don't let me touch you."

"what, _sex_?" sirius asked incredously. "we had sex last night!"

they _did_ have sex the night before, but it was harsh and painful. at least for remus. sirius had bounded his wrists to the bedpost despite remus telling him it made him uncomfortable because it reminded him of his time with greyback's pack, but sirius did it anyway. he had gone fast and hard, thinking of his own pleasure and release, gripping remus' soft hips tight with his nails, dots of blood peeking out of the crescents formed. and after when sirius was finished, he didn't help remus finish off - he simply pulled out and if sirius usually brought a wet discarded shirt to clean remus up, he didn't the night before. sirius merely walked into the shower and didn't come out until he was sure remus was asleep. he didn't even sleep on their bed, he slept on their couch.

"not what i'm talking about," remus wiped away a tear. "you flinch when i hug you. you don't let me hold your hand. you don't hold me the way you used to. you haven't called me moony in ages. and you _always_ call me moony."

"you sound like a bloody girl." sirius scoffed, but he knew remus was right. he could feel his own tears forming and he blinked them away rapidly.

"is there something i've done? _please_ , tell me, sirius. i can fix this, _we_ can fix this." his voice was pleading and desperate. " _i love you_. i don't want to lose you." 

"look, remus..."

remus stilled, a whole new stream of tears down his eyes. "you _don't_ love me anymore, do you? is there someone else? sirius, do you -" a shaky breath "- do you love someone else?"

sirius looked up at the ceiling, willing his tears to go away, but they found their way out of his eyes. "that's not true," he whispered, his voice hoarse.

"okay," remus visibly relaxed. "okay. i'm sorry i accused you of that."

sirius swallowed. there was a spy in the order and he had an inkling on who it was. "yeah." he grabbed his jacket, tying up his hair in a knot.

"where are you going?" sirius clenched his jaw. _this is not the man you love. this is not your remus. not anymore._

"james and lily's."

remus got up from his seat on the couch. "oh, i'll come along. i haven't seen harry since his birthday -"

" _no._ "

"what?"

he cleared his throat. "they don't want... they just want me. yeah. james just called for me."

"oh."

"yeah. sorry, mate."

"but it's halloween."

"so?" he just really wanted to get out of there.

"we always spend halloween together. us, prongs, wormtail and lily."

sirius sighed. "remus. listen, i'll be back soon. they need me -"

" _i_ need _you_." sirius ignored that.

"- i really should get going..."

"oh," remus said in a small voice. "alright. i love you, padfoot."

he forced a smile and it felt wrong, "yeah, i love you, too. don't wait up."

sirius walked out of their flat, once considered as a safe haven, but not anymore. he found a secluded alley to apparate to james and lily's, his heart in his throat, lungs burning and his eyes wet with tears. there was a spy in the order. and he had to do what he had to do to protect harry. remus be damned. he thought of remus, crying, begging and pleading to love him back. his heart hurt, but he could never love a traitor.

sirius didn't return home that night.

**Author's Note:**

> this hurt me but leave a comment and maybe a kudo uwu


End file.
